ajwa

i catch myself doing a lot of things for no apparent reason. like i wander off sometimes and picture other things in life or a place i would rather be.

i’ve been staying up at night lately for no reason. it’s not like i’m given the choice anyway. it’s like i’m forced to stay up because i obviously cannot sleep. so i have to occupy my time and do something

which is why i come back to writing. all the time.

it’s the only thing that’s helped me in my spare time and it’s the only thing i enjoy doing the most when i’m in need of some entertainment.

i sometimes feel myself wanting to go out, to explore or travel the world. i want to just get up and leave the house for a bit. but sometimes the conditions aren’t possible so it forces me to stay home and find something else to do.

i occupy myself by finding something to do in the kitchen. i find something to cook or organize the plates and do the dishes or wipe the counters.

literally anything.

i find things to do in my room, read or listen to music. paint or draw or organize my papers and books in my closet or in my storage box.

all of this, just to avoid overthinking. just to avoid thinking about certain things i don’t want to think about. all of this, to avoid thoughts from the past that i never want to see or hear of again.

but it’s not always easy. and so, i have to keep myself busy, in order to refrain from being tricked into doing something silly or turning up on myself and doing or saying something i might regret later.

it’s tough but that’s just the way it is. there’s no reason for it, it’s just there.